Saturday, January 06, 2007


Wow, it's been quite a while since I've written. We had a great Christmas! But soon after I was paralyzed by some freakish anxiety. It was like a big panic attack that didn't go away. I was in bed for about 4 days . I use to get the attacks before I had Hailee 6 years ago and got on a medication called imipramine. It worked well then I became pregnant with Hailee and stopped it. I've been fine for all these years but recently they have been escalating from PMS time to a lot more of the time. I couldn't even function. I've never not been able to take care of my kids. I usually just push on through and keep on keepin' on. But this time it was different. It was BAD. Not the normal "oh I can't catch my breath and my arms are going numb." This was that plus more. It was like pure adrenaline was running through my veins for days I was paranoid out of my gourde!Like I was detoxing from heroin ;0) I thought I was losing my mind literally. I couldn't sleep. Xanax didn't even do it. All I wanted was some relief!. I don't mean to have a pity party for myself because I am very blessed and there are people out there WAY worse off than me. All I'm saying is, this scared the shit out of me!. The thought of losing my mind is horrible. But what made it worse was that I couldn't care for my kids while this was happening. Thank the Lord Aaron was home and I didn't really have to worry about it. But Of course I did. You see I don't suffer from depression. My OB tried to put me on a low dose of Zoloft for my anxiety and it had the opposite affect on me. Complete opposite. Thats what sent me into the tailspin of my panic. The past few night I've been taking klonopin before bed so i can get some sleep. Which is is in the same family as Xanax but made up of different components. This stuff is highly addicting and like Valium or any other benzodiazepine, has a nasty withdrawl. I cant take it during the day anyway because I need to be able to do my thing. I like to be alert and running around like a maniac. Thats my problem. I dont give myself any time to relax. Anyhoo, i want to find another solution soon. I don't really want to be on a medication but I'm open to it. We're trying to get pregnant, but at this point I just want to get this anxiety under control and let God take the wheel with the pregnancy bit. Thats what he wants anyway. This is what happens when I try to take control. He's trying to tell me something and I need to just open my ears and listen. I don't know if any of you have suffered from panic attacks or anxiety but if you have I would love to hear what worked for you. You can leave a comment or email me directly if you want XOXO P.S.- Christmas pictures to come :0)


Anonymous sarahgrace said...

Omigoodness, girl! I've had what I would call some very mild panic attacks, but NOTHING like that. I had a friend who was having some similar problems and eventually went to an all-natural doctor to get things under control that way, which has seemed to help her quite a bit. I wish I had some more advice for you, but you will definitely be in my prayers!

7:45 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Flinger said...

Oh, Kelli! I suffer from panic attacks but it goes along with depression and anxiety both for me. I do so much better on Celexa but I won't take it pregnant. So, instead, I've been trying to talk myself through the depression and get "out there".

of course, this is no help to you. My panic attacks are shorter and revolve around traveling (they started shortly after I was in a car accident). I have no answers but I'm always here for you however I can be!

8:46 PM  
Anonymous Jill said...

Just sent you an email because I went through this exact thing this summer and you betcha there is hope.

9:49 PM  
Blogger dakotablueeyes said...

oh no sorry to hear that. my sil has them really bad too.

5:41 AM  
Blogger BlondeMom said...

I'm so sorry! I have my fair share of anxiety and PMS mommy freakouts but I've never had a true anxiety attack. I know my sister and mom have suffered from them. Hang in there...I'm glad your husband was home to help out while you were going through this. And I understand completely about letting things go and turning them over to God. I am a control freak!

11:25 AM  
Blogger Anne said...

A very good friend of mine suffered from panic attacks and xenophobia right after her Dad died a few years ago. She went through a range of shitty docs who basically threw every drug under the sun at her and for a good year it was very difficult to even talk on the telephone because she seemed drunk and repeated herself. Finally, after checking into a facility for people that were even worse off than herself, she came back. I think she is on a low dose paxil now but she goes in for therapy every week. Do you have anyone you can talk to professionally? I'm sorry you are suffering with panic attacks; I just can't imagine.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Hey girl, Call me I take ativan and celexa for it. If I don't take it I cry and worry about everything. If you want to have coffee one night or thursday morning let me know.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It may take some time to get it under control. Hang in there!! Hugs!

4:10 PM  
Blogger Heaven Sent said...

So sorry you have to go through this, but after reading these comments, it sounds like there is a lot of help/hope for this type of thing. And what a blessing that Aaron was there to help. You needed to focus on you -- and I'm glad you were able to do that!

I think we all like to thing we have control, but what a comfort to know that God is really in control. That scares some people, but I think it is actually the most freeing thing in the world.

Keep praying, girl! He will get you through this and direct you to the right people and meds that can help. I'll be praying too!

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Jenny said...

I've been there and I'm here for you.

You have my address. Don't be afraid to use it.

6:06 AM  

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